All my life I have fought addiction. From the basic juvenile ones such as watching porn and stealing sweets, down to the urge to rise up and beat everyone who dared curse me in school. Not that I didn’t beat those people. I was puny but had the strength of tiger and the speed of a rabbit. So I fought, got beaten, had my fair share of victories and became a legend.
Joey, Legendary fighter of Akwa Ibom. Class Heavyweight Champion of Wahala.
But that addiction is gone. I grew up, had sense, and lost the urge to fight. When I crossed puberty, I acquired a new set of addictions. I became aware of what I had between my legs, and how it offered a whole new world of pleasurable opportunities apart from urination. (Truth be told, I had always known what I had down there, and the evil that it contains. I knew whatever looked small ugly, brought out water, and could switch between forms is not good. It had to be bad.)
I discovered women, and all the beauty that the female form holds. Their speech patterns made my blood jump, their smiles made me lose sleep, their smell and fragrances became something I worshipped and prayed to perceive every day, and their touch? It made me become immortal, and sail to seven kingdoms.
For a while I was addicted, and everything revolved around them. But one day, my heart got broken by someone I had fallen in love with, and so I snapped out of my addiction. How could women, who look angelic and sweet inflict such pain upon me? Me that is addicted to it?
But then I switched to La Casera. That relatively cheap golden fluid that had bubbles and tasted like nectar and sterioids, stole my heart, and then my slimness. With each bottle I drank, my waistline ballooned. I slowly moved from being sexy Joey, to Fat Albert. Everyone warned me, but I was in denial. How could something so sweet be the death of me? I hugged my La Casera bottles and drank like a fish until one day, while trying to get an Okada ride home, I heard the magic words:
"Biggy, Biggy, Biggy, I dey go”. A bike man was trying to be different, and stated the obvious. Problem was, I hated the obvious.
I was shocked. When did I become Biggy? What happened to sexy Joey? What happened to that fine boy from Akwa Ibom who made the ladies cream their pants? Why is he being called ‘Biggy’?
“God punish your father. They will call your generation Biggy in public!” I fired back and avoided his bike.
When I got home, I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection that I didn’t like anymore. Of a truth, Joey had become Fat Albert.
play
Avoid traffic
(omgvoice)
I simply swore never to have another bottle of La Casera, broke up with it, and began work to get back to fitness. That journey is still in progress.
But currently, I have another one. This one is more intense than fighting, womanizing, and consumption of fizzy drinks. It is all of them combined in one, but for your soul. Nothing compares to this one.
I am addicted to Reekado Banks’ music. The young man from Mavin Records who does pop songs have finally made me find my addiction again. This addiction is safe though.
play
Reekado Banks
(Instagram)
There are no threats of heartbreaks, no loss of personal shape, no guilty feeling of sinning. I guess this is what they refer to when they say ‘Reekaddicts’. He has a new album now, and I am listening to it.
But my friends don’t like him. They tell me he does simple music and that a man of my stature, timber and caliber cannot be listening to that. I fought back of course. I am a simple man, with simple needs, desires and wants. Reekado fills my soul.
play
Reekado Banks
(Instagram)
The other day, I beat up one of my close friends who dared curse Reekado Banks. I fought him, and I won. He didn’t like it, and so ended the friendship. For once I didn’t cry when someone left me. I have Reekado Banks, and he is enough for me. I am addicted, and I don’t want help.
PS: For those of you who think that I am lying, dare me. Try to insult him on my twitter or Facebook, and I will come for you. I will find you, and I will beat you. Don’t tempt your God. Resist the urge to do something foolish.
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